Funny Quotes

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe. - Albert Einstein

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - Lily Tomlin

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

Giving up smoking is easy...I've done it hundreds of times. - Mark Twain

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. - Yogi Berra

Only a mediocre person is always at his best. - W. Somerset Maugham

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. - Winston Churchill

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg?
Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg! - Abraham Lincoln

Television is to news what bumper stickers are to philosophy. - Richard Nixon


  1. They are all good.. I'm so glad God gave us a sense of humor.

    I love the way Groucho delivered his lines.... the pause... and then the punch!

  2. Love the quotes!!! Remember when I first heard the Homer quote - watching the Simpsons and thought what a great line ... what we as parents say with our mouths and not with our actions.


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