Happy 100 Mom !!

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My mom was born in May 1916. She passed away in 2010. She was a strong woman. She taught me to be strong. To celebrate Mother's Day I thought that I would share a few excerpts from the eulogy that I shared 6 years ago.

High School Graduation with Mom

Growing up I got to spend a lot of time with Mom’s mom. There were a lot of similarities between Grandma and Mom. They were both feisty New Yorkers. Both had a great heart and deep seated love for their family. Like Grandma, Mom was a very independent woman. She was a strong woman. She ran the house. Paid the bills. And rode herd over four New York kids and made sure that we were in church at All Saints Episcopal every Sunday.
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I already miss my Mom. I want to end my talk by sharing a few thoughts with you about her. When I think about my Mom I will always think of a New York woman. It was hard to keep up with Mom. She could out-walk anybody on the sidewalks of the city. St times when I was growing up she seemed so fearless.

When I think of her, I will also think of an imperfect woman. Mom made mistakes but she was not a person who let herself wallow in those mistakes. She knew how to forgive herself and move on. It took me a while to understand that about her. As I get older I am understanding it more and more.

But most of all I will remember Mom as the woman who was instrumental in making me who I am today. My Mom showed me how to be tough in adversity – God knows I have needed that lesson. She taught me to believe in others and believe in myself. She always accepted me and loved me for who I was. Mom was proud of me whether I was in school, in the Army or working at AT&T. When I was around her I felt encouraged. You know, it was years after I left home that I realized that I had limitations. I knew no limits with Mom. Her love for me inspires me still.

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Toronto

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After spending some time at Niagara Falls, Ann and I continued celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary in Toronto. We stayed at a hotel in the city and pretty much walked everywhere. Most notable was our trip to the CN Tower (pictured). At that time it was, at 1,815 feet high, the world's tallest free-standing structure and world's tallest tower. In 1995, the CN Tower was declared one of the modern Seven Wonders of the World by the American Society of Civil Engineers. Standing on the glass platform in the observation deck was a bit creepy. The views of the city and Lake Ontario were amazing.

We left Toronto and drove west. We crossed back to the US at Windsor, Ontario via the Ambassador Bridge. From there we stopped in Flushing, Michigan and stayed with Ann's aunt and uncle. It was such a sweet time connecting with family there. A great vacation.

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... a place that I have been to ... part of the A to Z series.

Staten Island

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My first nineteen years of life were lived in five different rental houses on Forest Avenue. I have memories of four of these places - I was pretty young when we moved from the first house. My dad worked several jobs to make ends meet. We had a rich life in one of the poorer areas of the Island. These are the things I remember most.

Eydie, Bill, Nancy & Bob in the 50s

• Playing stickball, kickball and touch football on Summerfield Place with so many friends. In my teen years we erected a basketball goal on one of the electric poles and shot baskets for hours on end.
• Hiking in the woods behind our houses was a great adventure. We built forts in the woods and found all sorts of fun things to do by the streams. Friends like Tommy, Nick, Albert and Johnny were everything to me.
• I took a city bus to school using a bus pass. All kids went to school that way. When the weather was nice I could walk home from school as it was less than a mile away and was also on Forest Avenue. 
• PS22, my elementary school was pretty old even then. Today it's renowned music program is all over Youtube. Went to Junior High in a brand new building. Spent hours there shooting hoops in the playground.
• The five mile ride on the Staten Island Ferry across New York Harbor. Growing up, I rode it to high school and to different jobs in lower Manhattan. Lady Liberty still holds a warm place in my heart and mind.
• Our extended family. Such an important part of living on Staten Island for us. We spent a lot of time with my Aunt Blanche, Uncle Charlie and cousins Charlie, Eddie and Blanche. Then there were times with Aunt Elsie, Uncle George and all of my other cousins. These all made my life rich with love and a sense of belonging.
• My Dad, Mom and Grandma. Hard to briefly describe the impact these had on me. I always felt accepted. Always felt appreciated. These emblazoned love in my heart like nothing else ever could.
• Lastly my siblings Bill (8 years older), Eydie (7 years older) and Nancy (1 year younger). Sharing a room with Bill. All of us eating and playing games together. Celebrating birthdays. Watching the Twilight Zone with Nancy. Playing catch with Bill. Making pizza muffins with Eydie. Our parents provided such a rich family environment for us. My brother Bill and sister Eydie both died when they were 70. I really miss them.

I get choked up remembering these times so many years ago. I am so thankful to have grown up surrounded by so much friendship, love and acceptance. My parents may have passed on but their love remains in me to this day.

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... a place that I have been to ... part of the A to Z series.

The River Market

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Ann was disabled in 2007. She got her first motorized wheelchair in February 2008. Adjusting to wheelchair life in the suburbs was a struggle. It was hard to navigate around corners in our house. LOL, the woodwork really took a beating. And if she wanted to go to the hair salon or out to eat, she needed taxi driver Bob. The experience caused me to seek a place where Ann could experience more independence. For two years I would look for accessible places to live.

In May 2010 a realtor friend showed me a loft in the River Market area of downtown Kansas City. Immediately I knew I was home. The loft was large and wide open. Large sliding barn doors separated the master bedroom from the living space. It had no narrow spaces and plenty of room for Ann to freely wheel around in her chair. The loft had a very large deck that had a view of the river (pictured) and Kansas City Kansas.  Two days later Ann saw the loft and we made an offer that day. In June we bought it, spent ten days widening a few doors, and, with the help of family and friends, moved into our new home.

The River Market is a great neighborhood. A feeling of community is tangible here. Almost everything is within walking distance. The grocery store, farmer market, hair salon, barber, library, many restaurants and much more are close by.
We still struggle with other things but feel so blessed to have found this bit of heaven on earth in the River Market.

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... a place that I have been to ... part of the A to Z series.

Happy Grandparents Day

I love being a grandpa. Spending time with my grandson and granddaughter is such a blessing. My daughter is such a great parent - I am so proud of her and my grandchildren. A few years ago they put their little hands in paint and made me a tee shirt (image left) that I love wear. I wish all of you grandparents a great day!

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The #1 Divorce Predictor

Consider this to be a follow-up to Monday's post titled Marriage can be Hard Work. This week I came across the Smart Marriages website.. the online office of "The Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education". According to them "The number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict." Here are a few insightful things that they say about divorce:

What's sad is the reason that we avoid conflict is because we believe it (conflict) causes divorce. It's like the cartoon where the couple explains to the marriage counselor, "We never talk anymore. We figured out that's when we do all our fighting."

In the beginning, we avoid conflict because we are in love and we believe that "staying in love" is about agreeing, about NOT fighting. We're afraid that if we disagree - or fight - we'll run our marriage off into the ditch. We believe that if we've found our soulmate, we'll agree about most things - and certainly about the important things.

Later, we avoid conflict because when we try to deal with our differences things get so out of hand and our fights so destructive and upsetting that we simply shut down. After a few bad blow-ups we become determined to avoid conflict at any cost. And, we start wondering if we married the wrong person. It shouldn't be this hard.

I think that I really understand this phenomenon. I think that it takes a tremendous amount of something.. call it love I guess.. to talk about the hard stuff.. to delve into our frustrations with each other. I think that, over time, our frustrations only get deeper and usually morph into something darker. It is like an infection - if left untreated it gets worse and eventually drastic measures are needed to save the body.

Here is what Smart Marriages say about successful couples:

• They know how to discuss their differences in ways that actually strengthen their relationship and improve intimacy.
• They know how to contain their disagreements – how to keep them from spilling over and contaminating the rest of their relationship. 
• They learn how to manage the disagreements and live life "around" them – to love in spite of their areas of difference, and to develop understanding and empathy for
  their partner's positions. 
• They learn to dance in spite of their differences. They gain comfort in knowing they know their partner, know which areas they disagree on and must learn to manage.
  

I like the conclusion that they reach:

The divorce courts have it all wrong. "Irreconcilable differences" – like a bad knee or a chronic back – are not a reason to divorce. Instead, they are part of every good marriage.

I think that they are right about conflict avoidance being a predictor of divorce. I know that in my own life our marital relationship has only gotten stronger when we deal with the really difficult issues. It is hard but so worthwhile. I also think that they are spot on about differences being a part of a good marriage. I mean really.. lol.. who would want to be married to an opposite sex version of themselves?

Marriage can be Hard Work

The recent revelation of the marital problems of Al and Tipper Gore has got me to thinking about the whole divorce phenomena and how much hard work is involved in marriage. This Shoebox cartoon speaks to the different ways that couples process problems in their marriages.. some want to calmly process the problems and come to a rational and unemotional conclusion.. others are noticeably angry and want some sort of justice.. I think that this is particularly true when betrayal is involved. Sad to think of all of devastation when couples decide to divide.

I ran across this Elizabeth Aston quote yesterday.. it speaks to where many couples are:

"Love has no place in a lawyer's office."

The decision to seek the counsel of a divorce lawyer is a telling one. It can be a wise decision if it is preceded by heartfelt efforts of relational problem solving with the help of a good counselor. Unfortunately though, things like abuse and years of unresolved relational problems lead a person directly to the lawyer's office.

This is the part of the post where I come up with "the answer".. unfortunately I have no answers for the pains involved in these situations. I did not pastor very long but the 3+ years that I did involved a bit of marriage counseling.. and the overwhelming message from those years is that people wait too long to get help.. by the time they came to see 'the pastor' they were ready to quit rather to do the (seemingly impossible) work of reconciliation.

And lest you think that I am simply on the outside looking in - you need to know that everyone struggles to have a healthy marriage. Since my wife Ann was disabled three years ago our marriage has gotten harder.. crisis has caused us both to ask difficult questions of each other.. it has (eventually) brought out many of the things floating around in our subconscious.. we have had very difficult conversations.. we have been forced to confront our fears and insecurities.. to get healthy we had to be uncomfortable at times.

Now, lest you think that I am judging folks like the Gores, I need to tell you that I have not been married 40 years.. I cannot, and will not, criticize them or others who have separated or divorced.. I have no right.. I have not walked in their shoes. But I will say this - if you are having problems in your marriage.. even small ones.. I suggest that you do everything you can to bring health to your marriage as early as you can.. time without intervention will not heal your marital wounds.. over time small problems usually get bigger.

So I am wondering - what kind of advice you might have for people struggling in their marriage? What things have worked to bring health to your relationships?

The Covenant Marriage Upgrade

This just in from Topeka, Kansas.. well actually this article, titled Kansas looks to superglue some marriage bonds, appeared on Thursday in the Kansas City Star. Here is the way the piece begins:

Kansas lawmakers have a plan to put the deadbolt back in wedlock: optional “covenant marriages” that could be ended for only specific reasons or after a trial separation.

To break these bonds of matrimony, couples would have to undergo marriage counseling and live apart for at least a year. Divorces also could be granted after an infidelity or when one spouse has committed domestic violence or has been convicted of a serious crime.

Couples would have to undergo premarital counseling to qualify and sign an affidavit affirming that their marriage is for life. Covenant marriages also would cost more — $25 on top of the existing $69 marriage license fee. Already married couples could upgrade to the covenant marriage.

My first thought is that this might be a part of the full-employment act for lawyers.. there might be a bunch of unemployed divorce lawyers out there.. I just don't know.. maybe they need this legislation.

In theory I think that this sounds like a really good idea. Really.. who would not support beefing up divorce laws.. some may think that our current no-fault divorce statutes need to be strengthened so that terms like "irreconcilable differences" are not the norm for marital breakups. There are critics of the idea though.. the article goes on to say:

Critics contend that the extra obstacles could trap abused spouses or prolong the agony of couples who were never meant to be.

“We need to be in touch with reality,” said House Minority Leader Paul Davis, a Lawrence Democrat. “Some people who get married discover they shouldn’t have gotten married. … I don’t want to force those people to stay in a marriage that is hurting them.”

So I guess we have to talk about the ugly subject of spousal abuse. I guess that is a concern that I have but it does seem that marital separation is not prohibited by the new legislation.. battered spouses could still separate from their abusers.

The real question is should anyone get married to a person who would not commit to a covenant marriage? A few weeks ago I wrote about Commitment Challenged Relationships and focused on SC Governor Mark Sanford's resistance to including a vow of fidelity in the marriage ceremony. In his case it seems that a covenant marriage was not an option.

Another issue is what happens to the non-covenant marriages? Do they become second-class marriages for people who cannot commit to forever.. or cannot afford the extra $25?Will Kansans one day think that these folks were never really married because they did not marry in a state-defined covenant?

Lastly I have to ask what this new covenant marriage would do to existing marriages where the couples choose to honor their first marriage vows and not upgrade to covenant status? I think many of those folks (like me) feel that marriage is a covenant between them, their spouse and God.. these folks probably would not feel a need to upgrade simply because the state passed a new law.. after all.. the covenant most of us want is not with the state.

So what do you think? I have been rambling a bit. Anything you want to ramble about?