Through a purging flame of doubt ...

"It is not as a child that I believe in Christ and profess his teaching;
my hosanna has burst through a purging flame of doubt." -Dostoevsky

I resonate with this quote. Sometimes our life experiences make it hard to believe. I was 26 when Christ came into my heart and began a process of transformation. I struggled for months before that. For years I had watched my wife Ellen suffer the blindness associated with diabetic retinopathy. By virtue of divine intervention she could now see in one eye. Yet the years had taken a toll on me. I was bitter towards the suffering. It was hard to embrace an entity that had allowed Ellen (and me) to experience such pain. For years all I had was bourbon and beer to comfort me.

Flames of doubt surrounded me as I tried to come to grips with the new life that Ellen was experiencing. In a sense her experiences were too good to be true. Yet it was impossible to doubt that something had happened to her. I could no more doubt the existence of gravity than to discount the amazing life changes that she was showing me. Her life was burning like a torch and confronting the darkness of my doubts. Then I prayed. My first real prayer in many years. A presence came upon me. I could no longer doubt. My hosanna was bursting through the flames.


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