kc bob: PAIN

Showing posts with label PAIN. Show all posts

Listening to People in Pain

Today I recommend you to a post by Presbyterian minister Adam S. McHugh. Here are a few excerpted highlights.

Few things shut down a person in pain faster than quoting the
Bible at them. ... I don’t like saying this, but it has been my experience that Christians are often worse at dealing with people in pain than others with different beliefs. ... Dietrich Bonhoeffer lamented the same thing: “Many people are looking for an ear that will listen. They do not find it among Christians, because these Christians are talking when they should be listening.”
...
A hurting person is in a storm. They are cold, wet, shivering, and scared. Preaching, platitudes, and advice will not get them out of the storm. Don’t tell someone in a storm that it’s a sunny day. There will likely come a day when the clouds part, but it is not today. It’s not your job to pull them out of the storm. It’s your job to get wet with them.
...
There is no getting around the fact that a Christian community is one that suffers. The pioneer of our faith suffered, the main symbol of our tradition is one of agony and death, and there is no use trying to remove the cruciform marks from the hands and feet of the church. The mark of the gospel is not health and wealth, but nails and blood. The good news is that a Christian community is one that suffers together.
...
Listening to people in pain is about giving them room to grieve and weep and rage and doubt. We’re not there to spiritualize their pain or theologize their experience. ... We are on the wrong track when we diminish the emotions that people are feeling. ... The reason why we have a hard time hearing the doubts and faith questions of others is because it provokes our own unacknowledged doubts.

I found the post from this hospice chaplain to be one of the best on the topic. Read it in full here.

About 10 years ago our church had a "Longest Night" service. The idea was inspired by a counselor friend of mine who told me about how her Methodist church acknowledges people's pain on the night of the winter solstice (December 21). As I researched for this church service I came across this meditation written by Rev. Diane Hendricks in 2001.

Longest Night Meditation

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Only it's not.

Not for everyone.
Not when there is an empty chair at the table.
Not when your body is ravaged with illness.
Not when the depression is too much to bear.
Not without her voice joining yours on the Christmas carols.
Not when you feel all alone even in a crowd.
Not when you are not sure you can even afford the rent or mortgage, let alone the presents.
Not when they are trying their best to the best of you.
Not when another Christmas party means he will come home drunk again.

It's the most wonderful time of the year?

No, it's not.

And trying to smile and say Merry Christmas is more than difficult. It's pretty near impossible.

C.S. Lewis once wrote:

"No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning..."

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

Only it's not.

Not after he has died.
Not after the doctor gave you the news.
Not after they told you they would be downsizing.
Not after... you fill in the blank.
Not after September 11.
Not when there is so much violence and destruction in the world.

In truth, it has never been the most wonderful time of the year. Certainly not in the days surrounding that first Christmas so long ago. The story of the birth of Jesus is not to be told with a jolly voice and a merry ho-ho-ho.

It is the story of a teenage girl, pregnant with a child that is not her husband's.

It is the story of a child born in a dirty animal stall.

It is the story of a family of refugees who had to flee their homeland so that their child would not be killed.

It is the story of one sent into the world in peace who was condemned to death.

It is the story of a light sent to shine in the darkness, which the world snuffed out.

It is the story of God's never-ending, self-giving mercy which was rejected and condemned.

In the great work the Messiah, Handel quotes the prophet Isaiah, proclaiming that Jesus was "despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief." One great theologian reminds us that we cannot come to the manger without acknowledging that it lays in the shadow of the cross.

It is not the most wonderful time of the year.

Only it is!

It is:

If we forget about the tinsel and the trees.
If we forget about the holly jolly tidings.
If we forget about the presents and the ornaments and the trappings.

And remember.

Remember the story.

Mary was alone and afraid.
But God was with her and exalted her among women.
Joseph was disgraced.
But God revealed in Joseph's cause for disgrace God's plan to save the world.
The world was in darkness.
But God sent the light of life to shine.
The lowly were imprisoned.
But Jesus set them free.
The blind wandered aimlessly.
But Christ gave them eyes to see.
The lame were rejected.
But through the Holy One they were made to leap and dance.
The deaf were confined to the silence.
But the song of life unstopped their ears.
The sorrowful grieved.
But God wipes away our tears.
We were alone.
But in Jesus Christ, Emmanuel, God is with us.
The people rejected God.
But God embraces us.
The world crucified Christ.
But God would not allow that to be the last word, and gave us the sure hope of the resurrection.

It is the most wonderful time of the year, not because you have to be cheery and happy and merry.

But because you don't.

You can have heavy spirits and shattered dreams. Broken hearts and deep wounds.

And still God comes to be with you.

To comfort you.
To redeem you.
To save you.
To restore you.
To empower you.
To strengthen you.
To grant you peace.
To be raised for you.
To hold you in the communion of saints with those whom you have loved and lost.
To store your tears in his bottle.
To offer you eternal life.

It is the most wonderful time of the year.
For Christ is born.
Love has come.
God is with us!
Thanks be to the Lord our God.

Rev. Diane Hendricks
16 December 2001

Fear, Paranoia and Charlestion

As with the shooting at the Jewish Community Center and Village Shalom last year, this crime in Charleston was the act of a man whose defining story is that whites are victims whose lives are being threatened by the “other.” In the case of the Overland Park shootings the “other” was the Jew. In Charleston the “other” was the African American.

A part of the brokenness of our human condition is paranoia and fear. We all wrestle with it. We either feed fear and paranoia, or resist them. The more we feed them the more fearful we become and the more we need to either separate ourselves or protect ourselves from the other, or actively work to destroy the other. Examples are not hard to find. Segregated schools, drinking fountains, and swimming pools found across America 60 years ago were fueled by this fear, as were the covenants and restrictions still on the books in many Kansas City neighborhoods that kept minorities out. Until the last few decades many country clubs refused to allow minorities to join. In 1994 it was the fear and paranoia human beings wrestle with that led to the terrible genocide in Rwanda that claimed the lives of hundreds of thousands of Tutsi. I believe it is this same thing that is behind some of the recent deaths of African Americans at the hands of law enforcement.

The young man who committed this evil act in Charleston was acting upon a defining narrative in his life that saw African Americans, even those gathered on a Wednesday night for prayer and Bible study, as the enemy. What a terrible tragedy. It should force us to stop and ask what paranoia, misperceptions and fears we carry with us about the “other”, whoever the “other” might be for us. This tragedy calls us to recommit ourselves to trusting in that “perfect love that casts out all fear” we read about I John 4:18 and to overcoming evil with good.

Would you please stop and pray for the people of Emanuel AME Church right now as you read these words?

-Adam Hamilton, Senior Pastor of the Church of the Resurrection

Silent Sufferers

This image appears in today's edition of the Kansas City Star in an article about folks in KC that are experiencing unspeakable debilitating chronic pain and suffering in silence ... my wife is among those who suffer in silence ... I write as an advocate for her. Interesting, how I just shared about the topic yesterday. I suggest that you read the Star article here. A few responses to yesterday's linked article.

"I refuse to allow the rows of medications on the window sill to obscure my view of the sunrise." "Living with these diseases and disorders is a full time job."

"It is meant to be comforting to those who can relate and eye-opening for those who cannot." "Being chronically ill is, for the most part, definitely not a "blessing."

"I find it ironic that people are attacking you for the exact reason you wrote the article.....no sympathy or understanding." "People have a hard time showing compassion for something they can not see."

When Church Is A House Of Pain

I recommend you today to a post on Les' blog with the same title as above. Here is a clip of a compelling testimony written by Pam McCutcheon, a Christian who shares about the aftermath of losing her son

Do you know what Jesus did when He came upon the sisters of Lazarus right after he had died? The sisters were angry with Him, yelling, they told Him that if He had been there, Lazarus wouldn’t have died! Did Jesus say “but he is in heaven, a better place”? Did Jesus say “you might damage your witness by grieving so outwardly”? Did Jesus say “here is some Scripture”? NO. Jesus simply WEPT. He wept with them. He was deeply moved and He wept. Even though He knew He was going to resurrect him that very day. He wept out of love. (John chapter 11) I pray more would use His example and not say damaging things, but simply weep with those who weep.

I have disabled comments for this post so please click here to visit Les' blog. The post is so helpful for anyone wanting to know how to mourn with those who mourn. Also, please leave a word of encouragement there for Les and Pam.

Angry at God?

This week I have been involved in several cyber conversations about how people often get angry at God. Over the years I have learned that being angry at God is part of the problem of pain. I can only be angry at Him if I believe that he caused or allowed bad things to happen in my life.

Even so, there does seem to be two ditches that angry people stumble into. One ditch is where we see God as the author, or at least the permitter, of our pain. Other people lean more towards the Deist ditch and do not see Him involved at all. I think life exists between the ditches.

My life got better when I saw my first wife’s death, my families' problems, my health problems and my wife’s disabling paralysis in the light of the healing presence of God. I could not find any life in the idea that God was behind my pain but found so much life when I experienced His presence in my pain.

If you are angry at God today I suggest that you examine the root of the anger. Is it because you believe that He was somehow involved and allowed bad things to happen to you or someone close to you? If so I think that you would benefit in examining that belief. Read more about that damaging theology here.

The Challenge of Obstacles

As I walked to the hospital this morning from the hotel my mind was thinking about all of the obstacles we have experienced these past three months. Physical obstacles have caused us to daily take longer routes to the hospital and many health obstacles have been so hard to overcome - my wife is presently overcoming the obstacle of pneumonia.

So I thought that it might do me a bit of good to read, and share with you, a few thoughts from others on the topic of obstacles and the overcoming of them:

The only use of an obstacle is to be overcome. All that an obstacle does with brave men is, not to frighten them, but to challenge them. -Woodrow Wilson

If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere. -Frank A. Clark

Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive. -Scott Adams

The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it. -Moliere

A lot of people give up just before they're about to make it. You know you never know when that next obstacle is going to be the last one. -Chuck Norris

Fear is your greatest obstacle - so question your fear. If it does not serve your greatest life then do not make it your master. -Joy Page

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. -Jesus

The Problem of Pain

Since the beginning of time people have asked "Why" when they are confronted with pain and suffering in their lives. With that in mind I thought I might share an excerpt from The Problem of Pain, a book written by noted writer and theologian C.S. Lewis.

"Love, in its own nature, demands the perfecting of the beloved; that the mere 'kindness' which tolerates anything except suffering in its object is, in that respect, at the opposite pole from Love. When we fall in love with a woman, do we cease to care whether she is clean or dirty, fair or foul? Do we not rather then first begin to care? Does any woman regard it as a sign of love in a man that he neither knows nor cares how she is looking? Love may, indeed, love the beloved when her beauty is lost: but not because it is lost. Love may forgive all infirmities and love still in spite of them: but Love cannot cease to will their removal."

I love the idea that the love and the will of God involves making us perfect like Him. I wish that it was not so but I think that we would never change except for pain. Pain is designed to bring us all to a place of humility. The helplessness felt often causes us to pray. I believe that this is in part why the Apostle Paul said that he was strong when he was weak.

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